Apology

I am tired of feeling sorry all the time.
I apologize for existing and I don't know how to stop.
I come at life from the posture of apology.
I try to do nice things, good works in order to make up for the offense of my existence.

I am not entitled to life, I forfeit it every time I put my own wants before other people's needs, every time I put my trust in anything but God. The wages of sin are death. Out of this deep sense of sinfulness and brokenness, I come at life always in terms of my own guilt. People say I am kind, gentle and a good person, but I am so restless and so mean inside. It is no wonder that I forsake the gospel and cannot believe that Jesus actually died for me and has taken the sins I relish in. It is no wonder that I feel sorry all the time knowing that I believe and yet I do not live as I believe.

As I believe in the grace and love of God, as I declare God's love in the world, I am outraged at bad things happening to good people. In anguish and blame I defiantly ask God how can God be so negligent and cruel, why God lets such horror happen to basically good people.

But then I paused and wondered what the inverse of the question means. "why do good things happen to bad people?" I am fundamentally "bad", I turn away, I actively choose evil over good- yet God still shows me love, God covers me with grace and forgiveness, God gives me life, abundant life, when I deserve death. Instead of pushing me into a posture of apology, God restores me to a posture of thankfulness.

The Church has taken the posture of apology.
we are apologetic
about our faith
about our theology
about our identity
about our vocation.

How can we, the Church and I, move from the posture of apology to the posture of thankfulness that Christ has freed us to take? God alone can turn our hearts, but are there ways that we can open ourselves to God re-orienting our life to God?